It’s the start of a new year, and there’s a little voice in the back of my mind that whispers to me, “You should be setting down goals for this year…You should be getting new clients…You should at least be working out this morning!” That voice — which by the way, originates in my head and looks surprisingly like my fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Nickel — is a nag. Always telling me what I should be doing.
As an executive coach, I know better. I know that my Mrs. Nickel-y voice is really only trying to get me to conform. I know this, because that’s what the word should is all about: conforming.
When I listen to a client, and hear the word, I see metaphorical red flags waving madly and Mrs. Nickel smile knowingly. Here’s why. Our shoulds indicate an expectation of behavior — usually from someone else. Should implies that someone else knows better than you do. If you are the one doing the shoulding, then it means you think you know better. Should means that standards have been set, and the implication is that they must be followed!
Try this: track how many times a day you use the word should. Pay attention when you apply it to others, ie “He’s a Director and he should know better.” Or, “She’s not work hard enough. She should be coming in on the weekends to catch up!” And then, notice when you use should to regulate your own behavior, ie, “I should be updating my website instead of bingeing on Orange is the New Black.” Or, “I should read be reading “Lean In.” You may surprise yourself how often this annoying little word pops up in your vocabulary!
Shoulds originate as cultural norms, and are used to perpetuate certain behaviors and ways of thinking. That’s not necessarily bad. Shoulds can be organizationally sanctioned, such as metrics and competencies. These are standards of behavior that a company or group would like to see in each and every employee. They are openly communicated and agreed to. Yet, more often shoulds they are used to control and regulate rather than to inspire and empower.
It’s not just the expectation that’s buried in the word, there are other problems that come with each should. Foremost is that should is usually grounded in fantasy, not reality. Take Sheila, a team leader, who is frustrated with one of her direct reports, Nick. He let her down again. Sheila thinks Nick should have known when to involve her in sensitive client interactions. She fumed to me — and others — that Nick should have known better. The hard reality is that he didn’t. Sheila let Nick down by not making sure he understood the guidelines. Sheila felt better complaining and justifying her assessment of Nick. Using should does make us feel a bit righteous. But it doesn’t help. We’ll waste a lot less time and energy when we operate within reality.
Should also leads people to feel resentment, a sneaky little emotion if there ever was one. People who resent others or their situations do so because they believe things should be different. But, the reality is that it’s not. When we live by the should, we live in resentment. Not a fun place. I think Mrs. N had a condo there.
Watch your shoulds — the spoken and unspoken words. See the word as a sign that expectations are at play. Ask yourself, is this expectation really clear or am I operating in a fantasy land myself?
M. Nora Bouchard, MA, is a senior-level executive coach with twenty plus years of experience who has chosen to work with those who value an analytical mindset. She enjoys working with CIOs, leaders of IT teams, as well as the people who wrangle code, DBAs, data center operators, and network administrators. She’s also great with other analytical minds in finance, engineering and science. Nora is author of Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need. Learn more about her background, programs and clients at www.mnorabouchard.com.